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|With friends like this|
|Saturday, 30 June 2012 16:52|
ABOUT three months ago, my husband sat me down and gave me the "I am no longer in love with you" speech, first seeking separation, now divorce. We have been together 31 years, married for 29.
About 17 years ago, he had a brief affair, which caused me intense heartache and a mini-breakdown. I managed to work through this and rebuild the relationship. Reading your devastatingly direct advice, I can now see he never loved me in the way required for a happy, lifelong marriage.
I still love him and bear him no malice, but he wants us to be good friends after the divorce. I feel I need to sever the connection for a few years; I need to get over my unrequited love, freeing me to be open to the loving relationship I have always desired, unlikely as it will be to achieve at age 54.
Your advice, if this is a correct course of action, would be most welcome, as would have been your direct advice 17 years ago.
What's the secret of a great police detective? He or she knows people cannot conceal their emotions. Even when it is in their best interest to hide their feelings, most people cannot do it. That's why a man who kills his wife may talk about her death as if talking about the weather, or he will overact to a degree, which is laughable.
It's a mystery to us why people act like emotions don't count. Why do they think they can live a life contrary to their deepest feelings?
Had your husband gotten his divorce 17 years ago, you would be 37 and trying to rebuild a life, instead of 54. He has gravely injured you. Twice.
You say you bear him no malice, but perhaps you should; perhaps it's time to acknowledge what he has done. He gave himself permission to be unfaithful; he poisoned your marriage and poisoned your feelings.
Now he wants you to be a good sport about it and be his friend. That makes it easier on him, and avoids negative judgments others may make about him ending your marriage.
The fallacy of forgiveness is that the injured party is expected to give twice: Once when they are injured, and once again when the other party is "forgiven". Psychologically, that's devastating to the spirit and self-esteem of the innocent party.
You are entitled to trust yourself; you are entitled to believe in the truth of your emotions; you are entitled to sever your connection to this man… Permanently, if that's the way you feel.
Wayne & Tamara
More Direct Answers
- Love or money
- Punching bag
- Lasting effects
- Only just begun
- ONE ROTTEN APPLE
- FIRST OF MANY
- On the ledge
- Into The Light
- Biological Imperative : - sometimes you have to stand up for your rights
- Horsing around
- Breaking with tradition
- Spring cleaning
- Fool me twice
- On hold